Long "Rant"

So, my last blog loaded pretty quickly. I'm waiting. Okay. Fixing my IMDb ProBoards now that the 15 minutes passed in which I can make the site ad-free. I was in the middle of eating a little pizza. Ah! I also know sometimes I need to relax and can take care of my face later. Not sure what - Ah! - is bothering me. Is it my weight? My health? Probably both. Ah! Yea, sometimes the computer is slow if you just turned it off and on. Ah! When the morning comes.. .. Ah! So, my dad doesn't want a laptop because it'll break. I need to leave him a note ... that I either want a regular sized laptop for either $400-$600 or the MacBook for $999+ or on a timeline that I can get a regular computer. Funny he said he didn't even want to get this. Why did he have to add that? ... OMg what's the matter ... IT was quick before. New site? He said because he doesn't want to and doesn't want to spend any money. Hm. Ah! Wonder if other pages will load then. Okay, so I'll just tell my dad the internet isn't working, but I don't want to go to the store yet. OH well. AH! The oven is on, too. I just assume I need to restart.

2nd time tonight. The other funny thing i my internet always worked though my dad /mom said my brother's and the one of my parents wasn't. When mine. Okay, if it doesn't work now I know I need to leave a note for the future to set up a date when I'm feeling better, but I won't leave the note until I'm feeling better. I'm assuming...it's not working.

Okay, this time the page loaded right -better check the food- AH! - why so quickly does it say not loading? I opened the next page in a new tab. I left - worked! - a note for my dad, a page long with spaces, sentences on getting a new computer sometime. This time I should rewrite it I noticed. Well yea got the food out and it's done, which was quick. YEAH! Okay, it's processing. I should wait and see how I feel. The plan is to look at the Apple store when we go to the mall to look for a nice hat and outfit for me. I might end up getting more than one thing. I was thinking I remember my dad didn't have $5,000 for software when I had that old laptop. Worked! Okay bye for now.

So yea I took back the note. I started orienting myself in the garage.

Do you think I'm lazy because it's hot?

So, yea, before (yea the page loaded) I make any snap decisions, I need everything clean. I saw a bunch of lemons in the refridgerator and was wondering why I don't make some lemonade when I'm feeling better.

So, my hair is really soft like a welcome mat. I still look bald.

I came back in my room to lie on the couch. I'm waiting for another page. Ah it didn't load! I'm changing my sn. Saturday morning cartoons? Just an off day? Ooh someone just left. Wow I clicked around and it loaded. Man this is lame. When I'm better and my room's clean I wanna look for potential work but probably not apply soon.

So anyway what am I gonna do today.

So anything bothering. Well with me I guess I'm wondering why supposedly someone 100% European has authority. Like, what does that mean to someone who is mixed in concerned with someone who is all non-European? What does that have to do with a full European? I mean things like European Chinese, like. I don't mean like Jewish. That's not a healthy thing to wonder about. Like, do you meet a lot of mean people online? It's nice to say well yea I live in England and I'm English. With me it's I'm American, born in the U.S.A., and am white with black hair and dark eyes. Like, I like to talk about race for instance, but I know it gets deleted on IMDb and no one finds it anywhere else. So, I'm just like blogging I guess for no reason. I wish my internet were not still loading.

What do you think about when someone sees me that I'm not all American trash and then they guess I'm mixed since I don't look like most blonde girls and otherwise and don't look very ethnic. That's so mean. I look more like a guy but not too like masculine. What do you think when they start to think the U.S. is already not that European or something just to bother others to say they aren't when in their home country they are?

I wonder what I'll do with a computer, like if I'm gonna play any games or make any sigs?

Hey, what do you think of people who like to come on as though they are some other race and they are but look more like American trash but won't live up to their claim and just go by the color of their skin, like because they live in the south or their parents have dark skin.

This page is probably loading but I'm not happy about it taking so long. I mean come on, I can't do anything. I don't want to ask yet because I'm not ready to go to the store. Isn't that pathetic?

Oh well, I can work on my profile. Wow, this is so cheap. I need to feel ready when I go online, as well. I could be cleaning. Well, I'll work on my profile while I wait to change my ID. Page here. Okay, ID changed. Change profile.

Wow, that was quick. I guess I'll go lie down and see if I can do more work until 10 or 11 and then take a nap or something, maybe take a walk sometime to get thinner likely I'll have to.

Okay, so I just woke up. No wait I didn't. Not having too many problems. My dad went out to mow the lawn so-to-speak and then the dog started howling a little, and my brother came out and is awake. It's only 9:39 A.M. now. So, I took the things from the back porch into the garage. Then, my dad started mowing all funny in little circles and I found it annoying and came back in my room to post about how I felt that bothered. Actually, I woke up and peaked out as my dad was going by my door. So, yea, I spent all night waiting for my computer to load. I came back on a few times trying to fix my site. I spent the night eating. I washed the dishes and folded the towels. I don't know what could be so wrong I didn't get to clean yet. I was trying to sort out the things in the garage. So, I didn't get to move my stuff, yet. I'm not sure why I didn't get to it. I guess I was just tired and didn't figure it out yet. I'm throwing away more than I thought. I'll have to dig everything out of the bottom of the bathroom cupbourds, too. I have bathroom stuff from the back room and realize the last box I didn't get to at all is some files of interesting but not really things. I wanted to take a walk, but I feel so disturbed. It just isn't right. My body is really sore, and I'm still sick from the problems with my face and all. I'm still a little overweight I see. I found some old bathroom things. I wonder why B&BW had the same holiday stuff. Anyway, I'm getting rid of it. I had saved it. Didn't they have it more than two years in a row? I know it was a big deal. I even brought it on vacation but didn't use it. Not sure why..

I wonder if people talk to me to get stimulated for putting up with the fact that my life has been so mutilated, that no one cares that I've had so many problems and just make it worse. I mean, there's nothing okay about it. Nah, I wasn't feeling good all morning. When my dad went out, he made all these little bump noises. I didn't feel good when my mo left. Hm. NO one ever takes back anything. Oh there's a hit-bump. Must be my dad sending a secret message again for no reason. I just want to be left alone. I always feel so molested. I mean I'm so restless. Does no one care? I don't want secret messages about things people know must matter to me. I mean what's the big idea. It's not even funny. It's not even anything. Why? I have a real life. I have a real life in the real world.

Okay, I don't see why anyone likes me is what people want me to admit? I just see why no one likes them, cause they're mean and need to ban together with others to make themselves feel better by hurting others. It sounds like they're up to no good. They are all getting too personal. Like, I'm stuck with these problems and they just create new ones. It's not even funny. It's not fair. I'm still expected to do what I need. No one has ever listened to me. IT's so uncomfortablehow things get revealed, hm. I mean what was that. Yea, I'm waiting to ask for a new computer because I know I need to be ready to go to the store more, which is a reasonable goal. I need the computer, duh. Why are people's messages so blatant and revealing? I need to clean. I need to get thinner. I need to rest and then today will take a walk. Why are people always attacking me? True, I'm like tired and stuff and tired of always working and waiting for things to be right. What do I like own too much stuff? Why are people bothering me?

This is just a simple decision for others to hurt me. It has nothing to do with me creating a guilt trip on how I wish my past were different. Of course it would have some things like now and some things it wouldn't be too late for, such as people telling me I'm too old like to be a kid or something. (Hm, what are those ... were those ... as I heard a bump ... quick low long flat bumps?) I mean, I didn't do anything. I have been suffering these noises for a long time. I have never had a good time living in the south in America and having dark hair and eyes and whatever else. I mean I have but too bad technically I have not. I just want people to have left me alone since I was 19. This has been (please no implications of your race or something or blindly comparing it with others) 4 years. Whenever I asked, people snapped at me and threatened me and this happened every day until I stopped seeing them, to my family. Something was wrong, and then they get upset. I have bigger goals and am young. Is that so hard to understand. Yea, and then too I have smaller problems to consider. Clearly no one cares about anyone because they all go off racial connections. I feel sorry for the Soapboxers, like the Scottish ones, who end up committing suicide. Or wait that was just a generalization of how people feel in general. Why are people telling me I do something wrong when like I did well in school and stuff. Then I did worse. Like why do I never get anything. Why am I always tired. The problems started well anytime. Like I said I didn't like how I looked since my dad cut my hair in a bob when my brother was born. Lucky for me it was not very short. Why are people trying to do my past in things I was concerned about then? Yea, in the real world with others I have chances that people I know personally do not care about. They even care less than dirt about my small problems that lead to big ones. I mean like basic things, not big things even like getting a car. I mean like not making me feel bad or noticing me too much when they just flat out don't like me and think I'm just nothing. What am I gonna do? Well, surely I won't resort to any form of masturbation. What would I masturbate to? I have showered today. I wanted to take another but won't now that the boys in my house are roaming around like it's an ant farm. Hm. I mean really. I was trying to get things right and this is what happened. I realize yea if I didn't come online earlier I wouldn't have figured out what I was doing today, maybe. I was gonna watch the DVDs. I don't know what I was thinking. I said my internet was slow, but no one listens. I have to wait until I can confront about it so I'm not sick then. Yes, I'm also getting older. I'm clearing the house for my parents, too. I can't be looked at funny fro wat's in my profile, too.

What's bothering me now is the secret messages I get, like direct stimulation to be hurt. The story behind it of course makes no sense and is certain things but in other ways is just a ricochet. It's just a result or what happened.

The only problem with me getting a picture of me up is (wow I need to use the restroom but need to wait) my blackheads of course and that's basically the root of the matter. I wonder if I'll feel better walking when I spend the night on my face then. I will take a walk anyway. I will put sunblock on my face and shoulders, no make-up as I'm not going to the store. I feel all tight like a rock. It's like I need to go back to sleep since I've eaten but mainly have used the restroom. Why blame it on something that's not my fault? It's clear there is sarcasm, like that maybe even I though it doesn't matter think it's cool to always be called Mongy online and then to suffer from that things aren't okay but are in the process of getting better whereas with everyone else things have at least gotten together on some of their past front. It's a long story and something that is definitely post-worthy and good news. What's with the sarcasm and denial. Why do people not ignore others because they want attention. People are on a track of just racial connection and no one cares about me. I really am thinking seriously as I cannot make a decision (yea and why are people making fun of my looks when I actually not only am improving but looking cleaner and better - I want to be left alone as we speak though it's really quiet and has been, but I just don't feel well as suddenly my dad burst into that for instance as he is expected often to be) as to my goals of leaving home. I admit I wanna be an actress and is why I'm watching all these films and such and trying to be mature sometime but moreso to live out my young life and get taller and all. I am getting rid of all these old dresses now for instance because they don't fit. I am dishing out some to my mom, like the ones I designed that her mom made. (Hey, I'm typing faster and had been since a little earlier tonight.) I saved let's see one and then another I made. I guess I got rid of the others. :) Okay..

So, really, it was good I came here are reminded myself I needed to clean tonight. I figured it out by blogging. I haven't been posting obviously much. I wonder what could be wrong, seemingly nothing. I even feel like I could walk - I mean work, seeing as all this thought on computers. I know laptops are no good. I need a computer. I am convinced when I am better to do a lemonade stand. Meanwhile, I'll be here depending on my internet. (Why am I being used for perverted stimulation? I want to be left alone and not made into something. I mean seriously. I never asked for any attention. Yea, doesn't anyone know what I'm doing, building my brain typing. I don't need my energy and stimulation wasted. I'm not a thing to be stimulated. It's not funny. Ever since I was little I mean what's the idea that I'm lazy when I just get tired and not usually talking anyway except for fun and such. I mean really could I had been set up to start? I'm not asking for anything. I am not under some stimulation of any other person. The rules were clear.) So, um, yes, I want to be ready when I go. (Yea, even when I relax, sometimes I don't feel right and get new feelings. I am fed up with people like Keira Knightley, who is Scottish, as getting the wrong attention though as a person she's obviously nice. I'm fed up with Amanda Bynes, though she's just as nice. Why? They're overly mature. They're in your face by the public, at least KK, in a certain way. Yea, I was thinking of something good before and was gonna post but couldn't get the computer or myself to do it as I was tired. I think this is good to make up for all the typing I couldn't do through e-mail. I know no one reads this, but it's a block of text. I basically need something to do and I need people to socialize with as much as anyone needs to hurt me, yea sarcasm.) So, I'm so glad I stopped the old TV shows and am looking forward to what I want to do now. This is so good for my brain. I kept getting recommended to see professionals for my mental health. I should be much better in this way soon then. I had been wondering how to do my life, like setting up a couch, which I had one, not against the window before, when I was 16. I even had 2 beds. I don't know what I'm gonna do really. I haven't tried reading yet to see if I really use the window to read and prefer that to sleeping in it during the day. I feel a little more awake now, glad I got some things done at least though. Hopefully I can go out with my brother for ice cream. First I want to make it to the mall. I may go for a walk soon. Haven't washed my outfit for working out. I haven't been able to do my face today, which is okay. It'll be awhile. I told my mom in a note I'm not going out this weekend. Okay, I think I'll post this blog and work on another or check Alice in Wonderland, haha yea probably both then.